Why am I even writing this?

Hey Dogan, 

I don't know why I never got to write this earlier. And I don't know why I let myself write this now and actually send it. Though you should know I've thought about it a number of times and for a long time and I've tried to let myself get vulnerable enough to do so. It feels so wrong to somehow interfere with your life and you seem so happy (according to social media at least) and I don't wish you anything less. It's just that, I realize now, I realized quite a while ago, that you made quite the impact on my life. And it got to a point where I couldn't deny this anymore, nor run away from it. 

But I've been very good at running away. From many things, if not most things. From situations where beautiful people have come beautifully close and I've got so self conscious I haven't been able to handle the situation. Or I've thought I can't and that I will never and so I've just let things go and maybe - probably - become a seemingly cold-hearted person all at once. I've done it a number of times. And I feel like that time you know that summer in 2013 that was exactly what happened. And so I I'm afraid I treated you badly and couldn't cope with your beautiful being and your being nice to me. That spring when I met you, despite not seeing much of each other, I felt things I hadn't felt in years, if ever. Probably the latter. 

I mean, why would I else still be writing not only to you but also about you? Why would I despite always running away and seeking new experiences and meeting new people and meeting new boys keep coming back to thinking of you? Why would I, although it might sound creepy, always think of you whenever I go to Ålidhem and sometimes pass by your old house since it always brings me a nice yet blue feeling? I remember I told many of my friends, even back in 2013, you know. I told all of them that whoever got to spend her life or at least a part of one's life with you would lead a happy life. But when I met you I was so scared, I got so scared. And so despite your beautiful being I turned cold-hearted. And I remember I felt like things were moving fast for some reason and I was not prepared and it felt like an invasion in my life. But I think it could have been the best of invasions had I let myself go, had I let you in. But I ran away. Again. Like before. 

You know, I stumbled upon this poem I wrote in May 2013. It's in Swedish and I wouldn't want to expose you to it now, but it’s about meeting you and when reading it I was immediately thrown back, feeling-wise. And I remembered how happy I was about meeting you. How happy you made me and how good it was for someone like me to meet someone like you. I was a major fuck-up then, and I'm still a major fuck-up in certain ways and I still have stuff to deal with probably so not to remain a major fuck-up but I think when meeting you, I was in a bad state and it had been a rough year and I think meeting you meant that things started to change and things started to improve, even though slowly. 

Maybe and unfortunately you mainly got to see the horrible cold-hearted being I was during the initiation of that self-improving phase. You should know however, that some time after meeting you and things sort of slipped away I started to re-evaluate certain things and even though being a mean person around you, for which I'm very sorry, I think I started to become a bit of a better person. Because I think I slowly started to let myself letting people in. Maybe it took another year or more and maybe it's just a small change but I believe things started happening. 

Maybe I would have remained that mean person had I not moved abroad that time in 2013. Maybe I would have become an even worse person. Maybe I needed that year to understand that running away doesn’t necessarily mean running away for the better cause maybe when you're running away you might loose things along the way. Maybe I realized that sometimes it’s good to shake that little Dean Moriarty off my shoulder. Hell, maybe running away could even mean running away from oneself and one’s safety spot and actually let someone in. Maybe that’s a good way of, if not running away, maybe get lost? And I love getting lost.